At the age of 14 my parents divorced and I was finally free, free from living with my father everyday. My mother entered a new marriage about a year later. I was doing everything in my power, to keep my family at peace, and I did not manage to make it happen. I felt like I had lost it all. My father lived in one place, and my mother had found a new man, and was pregnant. Consequently, my sister and I did not have a good relationship, and my sense of home began to fade away.
As a teenager I was trying to find my way, as you do. The education system in Sweden has you choose your direction of education very early on. At 15 I chose to attend a school specializing in hairdressing, following in my mothers footsteps, as she had her own salon. I was still trying to find myself, and suddenly, music found me. I wanted to sing and dance. It lit me up like nothing else, and I finally felt a direction. However, I was now locked into a three-year education, for something I now knew I didn't want to do, and I started resisting it intensely. These years felt very dark, and depression crept in
#DarkNightOfTheSoul.
I was questioning who I really was. If I was not my circumstances, then what was my true essence? I was questioning human existence. Why am I here? What's the meaning of life? This is where I noticed that most people preach more than they practice. I had to look within and recognize where I wasn't being real with myself.
Why do people say one thing and do another?I knew I had the power to create change, yet I was still feeling blocked. How could I expect others to walk the walk, when I myself had not yet done so? I was lacking guidance and support, and I kept running into discrimination as a first gen immigrant, as well as limitations of lack of money and opportunity. I juggled multiple jobs on the side, while studying, to make money for my dream. I even took a job at my mothers salon. I was lacking sleep and losing faith. Frustration grew in me, and I did what I was best at, I kept pushing and confronting my obstacles. And at 19, I hit my breaking point. I got into a car accident, I felt like the universe had slapped me, and sent me a sign. Stop, listen, breathe.
As children, we have not yet fully developed all of our senses. We don't have all the tools we need to protect ourselves, or a matured understanding of what's going on around us. This makes experiences more traumatic for us children. As we grow older, these events have a tendency to become our unconscious triggers.
My friend
@Lilian gave me a palm-reading around the same time as my accident. This was the first time someone saw my pain. I had always been a class clown, masking what I was processing at home and within. Then I went to a spiritual medium and again, she saw me and the pain that I was hiding from the world. One thing that was shared with me, that really hit home, was that my childhood experiences were more than what a child's heart should bear. No matter how tough I appeared, for the first time, I felt seen and heard. Something was triggered within me, and I started sharing my stor[i] with the world around me. I would walk up and start conversations with homeless people, wealthy doctors, kids, and crooks.
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